


Have you been a Mother?

by jellybeansarecool



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (2005), The Diary of River Song (Big Finish Audio)
Genre: F/M, Self-indulgent fluff, The Diary of River Song S3, Time baby, angst (because it's me and I can't help myself), suspected hallucinations, unashamed fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-01
Updated: 2020-01-01
Packaged: 2021-02-27 05:48:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,346
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22072033
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jellybeansarecool/pseuds/jellybeansarecool
Summary: Little scenes connecting parts of The Diary of River Song Series 3. Explores River's thoughts concerning Julia's question 'have you ever been a mother?' and how there is a part of her that wishes that a certain little curly-haired boy was more than a dream. Mostly it's a hell of a lot of fluff with some angst thrown in for good measure.
Relationships: The Doctor/River Song
Comments: 2
Kudos: 14





	Have you been a Mother?

**Author's Note:**

> An old fic I found and dusted off. If you haven't listed to Big Finish's The Diary o River Song Series 3 this will probably make little to no sense in how it all connects together. That said, however, the main element of the fic doesn't need the audio to make sense and so all that fluff can still be enjoyed!

River screamed inwardly as she continued to dig deeper into the ground. The top of her curly hair was just visible over the edge of the hole. She was determined to give Lily the burial that she deserved. She had called the Doctor and knew that he would arrive soon, she could only hope that whatever face arrived was one who knew her. She couldn’t bear to be alone. Not now, not after… 

Another spadeful of sod flew out of the hole when the wheezing grinding sound of the Tardis filled the air. 

River wiped a sweat-dampened curl from her head after dropping her spade to the ground. She had made her husband wait long enough. Lily was buried and there was nothing left for her here. With a grim smile, she made her way to the Tardis. Her hearts dropped when her eyes fell on the young Doctor clad in cricket gear and adorned with celery. He walked towards her and they spoke for a short while, River convincing him that he should bring her along. This was going to work she chanted to herself, she just needed to be with him really… any him would do at the moment. 

Stepping into the console room River’s eyes flicked to the unknown young woman standing next to the console. Fighting back exhaustion and devastation River quickly made her excuses after the Doctor had introduced them. Pushing back the tears that burned in her eyes she fled for another part of the Tardis. Her mother hummed sympathetically as she burst into one of the rooms lining the hallway. There wasn’t much by the way of decoration, a desk, a few books on pottery, and a vast display of earthenware. 

Grabbing the neck of a vase River let out a scream of pain. Tears rolled down her cheeks as she blindly smashed anything and everything she could get her hands on. The pain of discovering what had been done to her beyond the atrocities that she had already endured burned up inside of her. The pain joined with the heartbreak of not getting to know those who were the same as her. She was alone in the universe again. The Doctor who had come was not one who knew her, not one she could talk to about what had happened, not even a version of her husband that she could push against a wall and lose herself in, forgetting the events of days past. 

The chokehold of loss, pain, and exhaustion brought River to her knees. In a room full of broken pottery, a lone pot sat unmarred by the whirlwind of destruction River had brought amidst screams of frustration and anguish. Head bowed and panting from exertion she didn’t notice the air hazing around her. Shimmering to an unknown pattern the potshards disappeared from the room and materialized as complete objects, regaining their positions on the pedestals from which they had been thrown. 

The soft creak of a door being pushed open brought River’s head up. Her eyes struggled to focus but when the haze around her cleared they opened wide in surprise. The figure standing in the doorway was not what she expected. She tried to school her expression into one of cool detachment at the sight of the small toddler. His black curly hair floated around his small round face like whispers. He had a small thumb in his mouth and from that curled fist hung a deep blue blanket that was edged in blue satin. The end of the blanket dragged along the floor past his small feet clad in footie pajamas. They were covered in stars and planets. The colour of the fabric which highlighted the boy’s bright eyes.

The little boy stumbled through the doorway. It was evident that walking was a newly accomplished skill. He took toddling steps toward River, his free hand raised in an attempt to balance himself. 

Releasing his thumb from the captivity of his mouth the boy babbled. He repeated the same word over and over with some different words and sounds interspersed. It took River’s shocked mind a moment to register what language the child was speaking – Gallifreyan. The word that he kept repeating as he slowly made his way across the room was one unknown to her but every so often she would catch one that she believed she understood, “sad”, “ouchie”, and “ok”. 

Just as he was about to reach River the little boy stumbled and fell. Before he could hit the ground River lunged forward and snatched him up. She rolled him over onto his back and rested him on her lap. Giggles escaped the child’s mouth. Rolling back over he flung his pudgy arms around her neck and snuggled his head into her chest. River looked down at the small body in her arms and took a shuddering breath. This was something that she could only dream of. Perhaps that was what was happening. She had worked herself into such a state that she was hallucinating. Yes, that must be it.

Sensing her distress the boy lifted his head and looked into her eyes. He released his grip on her neck and ran a soft palm across her cheek to wipe away a rebellious tear that had escaped.

“Ok? Sad?” he asked in the ancient language of the Time Lords. 

River nodded. The boy content in knowing that he was right settled into her lap. Smiling softly at him she lowered her face to his stomach and gave it a small kiss. The smell of time radiated off of him and the sound of two small hearts beating resonated through her ears. 

He giggled as he wriggled to escape from her hold. Placing two palms flat on the floor he steadied himself and stood up. He placed a soft wet kiss on River’s cheek before taking a couple of steps. When River didn’t stand he turned around with a furrowed brow, “Come,” he said along with the word that continued to elude River’s understanding. 

She stood, scooping up the discarded blanket in one hand, she placed her free hand in the toddler’s and steadied him. She bent over in order to maintain her handhold on the little boy as he led her into the hallway and down to a door she had never seen before. The door was a brilliant blue and covered in stickers of stars and planets. It was also plastered with scribbles that were undoubtedly done by the little artist himself. She didn’t have enough time to look closely at the pictures as her small guide pushed the door open and led her into the room.

The room was obviously that of a small child. A crib with a protective railing stood in one corner. Close to the bed but not close enough to be grasped by small hands stood a worn rocking chair. A bookshelf shoved against one of the walls overflowed with picture books from a variety of different planets. Pressed against the side of the bookshelf was a chest filled with a variety of toys. It was obvious what toy was the boy’s favourite, however. Sitting on the bed in the place of honour was a stuffed Roman centurion. River picked it up, it bore a striking resemblance to her father. 

The boy yawned and rubbed his eye with his free hand. River bent down and gently carried him over to the rocking chair. She rocked slowly and reached for a worn book that he pointed to while holding the stuffed toy close to his chest. It was the tale of the Last Centurion. She opened the cover and began to read the Gallifreyan script that flowed across the glossy pages of the picture book. By the time she turned the last page his eyes were firmly closed and his breathing was slow and rhythmic.

Gently clutching him to her chest River placed the book down on the seat of the chair and placed the child beneath a dark blue blanket. She brushed the dark curls off his forehead and he rolled over mumbling the word that she still didn’t understand as well as what means “love you.” 

Hearts pounding River tiptoed out of the room and gently shut the door. She took a step away and turned back to look at the pictures that adorned the door but it had vanished, only the smooth wall of the hallway remained. 

With a heartbroken sigh believing that the illusion had come to an end, River headed toward the library in order to work out what the repeated word meant. Flicking through the third book on Gallifreyan grammar and word use River felt her eyelids droop. She didn’t need much sleep but her body had been worn down physically and emotionally. Gritting her teeth she grabbed another book. Tears stung her eyes as she scanned the entry that she had been looking for. 

The word that the little boy had repetitively used in reference to her was a young child’s term for “womb parent”. It was an archaic word that wasn’t often used. Children on Gallifrey were more likely to use other words that expressed the connection between them and their parents, especially in light of the differing ways in which a child could be brought into being. However, according to the author of the book, the loss of the use of “womb parent” brought with it a loss of the concept of an intimate relationship of love and dependence. The author went on to say that despite, or perhaps because of, the word’s rarity it was a deep and beautiful term.

Bowing her head River hugged the book to her chest and let her hearts swell with the possibility that the small child she had just cradled to her body was indeed the child she never thought she would be able to have. A child that was only realized in ever distant dreams. Though in her heart of hearts she knew it could never be possible she would cherish the illusion.

“River! Oh sorry to wake you. We’re going to Vienna!” The Doctor smiled with his head poking around the door frame.

River pried her eyes open and lifted her head from its resting place on the mahogany desk. She smiled sleepily at the Doctor and nodded to let him know she would be with him in a moment. 

He smiled back at her and spun on his heels before making his way back to the console room. 

River looked around but didn’t see the book that she had been using last night. In fact, she didn’t see any of the books she had been pouring over. She sighed as she ran a hand over her face, it must have been one big dream. But if it was a dream, how did she get into the library? 

Shaking her head in an effort to dispel the last remnants of sleep River took a deep breath. Vienna, she nodded to herself, she could do this. An adventure might be just what she needed to clear her head.

“My purpose has always been to save lives!” Julia rounded on River angrily in the middle of the Viennan street. 

“Well, you’ve picked a funny way of going about it.” 

Julia scoffed painfully at the Professor’s response. 

River looked into the pained eyes of Julia, “Sorry. Sorry. Look,” she took a deep breath before plowing on, “Look, I think it would be fair to say that the Doctor is in favour of saving lives. So tell me, explain what you mean and maybe I can help.”

Julia laughed, shaking her head she asked, “Wh… Wh… You can bring back the dead?” 

“Tell me,” demanded River. 

Julia took a deep shuddering breath, she leaned forward to look deep into River’s eyes, “Are you a mother?” she asked softly. 

River sighed, “No, no… I’ve nev..…” she stopped, visions of the little curly-haired boy floating into her mind. But that was just a dream, an illusion conjured up by a broken heart, wasn’t it?

River’s face dropped a little before she forced her mask to settle back in place, “No.” A lump in the back of her throat almost betrayed the hurt that stabbed at her hearts.

At River’s answer, Julia’s shoulders slumped, “Then you cannot understand.”

“I think that you will find that we can all understand grief, mother or not. Because it’s grief we are talking about here, isn’t it?” River questioned, pushing the image of the little boy into the far reaches of her mind. She had a job to do if she was going to help the Doctor with the issue at hand. 

The old woman looked at River with pain-filled eyes, “My little Elise,” she began as her voice dropped down to a whisper. 

“My own sweet child.” Julia fought back tears as a few words passed through the heavy lump that had formed in her aged throat. “I…I cannot.” She faded into silence and took a few steps back. 

River took a step forward towards the old medicine woman and implored her. “You are talking to the only woman in Vienna, probably the only woman on earth at this moment who understands what it’s like to live longer than everyone else.” River took a breath before continuing, “To have seen so many friends die…” Images of her parents and many others flew through her brain each face hammering her with pain and loss.

River started again, “But there is that one death, unlike any other, the one you can’t even bear to think about.” For a split moment, she was back in Berlin. Back on that godforsaken beach on the edge of Lake Silencio. She’s reliving those moments when she kills her husband, but this time, the times that live themselves out in her nightmares, he doesn’t return, he remains in the realm of the dead.

River struggled to focus back on the medicine woman as she took a steadying breath, “Tell me…tell me about Elise.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading.   
> Have a good day and a great New Year!
> 
> JBeans


End file.
